Friends forever

Hey y’all! First things first. Happy New Year!! I hope your still sticking to your new years resolutions. This started out as a rant of how much I strong dislike Valentine Day. Now that Valentine Day is over I decided to make this blog about my besties; ( Ride and/or die and Shady Ladies love). So, here’s the story from A – Z ::f you don’t what song this is i am going  reevaluate our friend ship::

wrapped in my anxiety blanket with no intention of coming out from under it during Valentine’s Day 

Here are some reasons why I love each and every one of them and how I  know will be friends forever

First up to the plate is Ride and/or die. We have been besties since high school (20 some odd years). We have been through SO much together. Ride and/or die helped me make it through a lot of times. She has been there for in so many different ways and times. When I was cut from the cheerleading squad and thought my life was over (teenage hormones in high gear) she took me for Starbucks (enough caramel to choke a horse please and thank you). She always knows how to lifted my spirits (s-p-i-r-i-t SPIRIT lets hear it). up. Ride and/or die was there for me everyday after school right after I found out about my brain cyst. She has always been there for NO matter what. I have helped her through just as many tough times. From death, to births, to breakups/divorcee, to moves, to dealing with my crazy ass for as long as she has! I love her and don’t know how I could have made it through high school without her!!

Just some of the many adventures of Ride and/or die and made over the years

•  :  texts you::MTV has  8 mile is on!! ::ugh I can’t stand every other word in 8 mile is bleeped out
• ‘Cheddar Bob why do you have a gun?  Man put that thing away before you hurt yourself!’ {{few minutes later}} Cheddar Bob shoots himself in the leg with the same gun he just put away.
• ‘Turn off the sun its too bright.’ ‘Okay I’ll go talk to the sun for you!’ ‘Thank you!!’
• {{getting ready gym class}} I went to the bathroom while you finished getting ready for gym but you didn’t see which stall I went into so you just guessed and started pounding on one of the stalls….it was not me who came out of the stall you were pounding on.
• easy bake oven…Mom mom mom ride and/or die loves me more than you because she bought me an easy bake oven!!
• it only counts if there were 2 or more people….Unless its a bear that got out of the bear trap in front of us on the way to its new home…NO ONE will ever believe us.
• “hey I need one of those nights where we sit one the bed and watch Full House and 7th heaven!!” “Ill pick up the alcohol and a couple of pints of Ben and Jerry’s
• go you fucking vagina!!
• ” hey Kara! are you tired??” “yes chem $5 I have a bad day,”  “Well you have been ruining though me head all day.” No chem $5, just no.” :: WHOLE gym class is in tears from laughing SO hard because I shout him down
• OMG OMG OMG that black Honda tail lights are round!! speeds up…oh sorry person we thought you some one else.
• Wooh!! Jackass
• Poppa L:: “why did y’all dial the same number with like 20 different area codes when y’all were at the beach?!?!?!” ::stares at one another trying to find a mental answer between us:: you “well ah we were hum so..’ ::I slowly get up and grab our purses and keys and slowly heads for the door:: “we were just planing on going out to get some milkshakes!! Okay Bye Dad!!’ :: runs to car as fast we can!!
• OH HONEY that’s going to need some aloe!!
• :: me in the driver seat you ready to jump out of Jeepy Jeep with window chalk in hand:: ‘I don’t think he is in there.” “You’re right I think I am good. Use the safe call if he comes out!” “Got it!” ::you jump up with the Jeepy Jeep’s door open:: ::you run to the back of his car and the car lights come on you scream and hit the ground:: “HE IS IN THE CAR I REPEAT HE IS IN THE CAR!!! ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION!!!!”
• ::getting ready for the beach:: GYFV “hey y’all ready to go?!?!?” “Yeah no you’re not coming we were up all night with your GF and we are going and you’re staying here. Kay Bye.”
• “Ugh!! Why are you STILL laying in bed crying about the firefighter and him ‘leaving’ you when you two weren’t even dating?!?!?!?” “I thought we were and now I just want to never leave my bed ever ever again!!” “Gosh darn it here ::pulls out pizza bagel bites and pints of Ben and Jerry’s:: :: I get out of bed and make the pizza bagel bites and bring down two spoons; while you cue up where we left off of Gilmore Girls:: :: wraps up in blankets and cries on your shoulder for hours::
• At least he swiped right?!?!??!
• Many endless quotes about my crazy ex. There are way too many of them to even give just one quote!!

These are only a few of our times because most of our fun times are not safe blog safe.

Next up the to plate is Doro. Doro and I met while working at the bra store wrangling bras. We became fast friends. It seemed like there was never a day that went by that the two of us weren’t friends. She helped me throughout some of my darkest days. Doro tried her best to pull me out of the hole that the crazy ex  and the firefighter left me in. I’m in love with her family and more importantly her kiddos! The kiddos are pretty much my kiddos :: Thank you again for letting me your kiddos unbiological Aunite;; There is nothing that the two of us haven’t been through together. She is my kindered spirit. Here are some of my best memories between us.

• • Whatever you do do not watch this video without an inhaler near.
  • “Kara you’ve made it to level G bra!!!” ::lays on the ground and starts to cry::
  • “Why are we going here Kara!?!?” “Doro I don’t want to be here just as much as you don’t. The only thing I can say is that God will reward us for doing this.” :: walks up to the store front. SEES GODS WONDERFUL REWARD TO US. Looks at one another. Bust open both doors to the store front and just stares at them::
  • “I have a danger will Robinson feeling about going into the grocery store. We really shouldn’t go in. It’s like a really really bad feeling Doro.” ::you drive around to the front of the grocery store. We look in and see the danger:: “Nope Kara we are not going in!! Your feeling of Danger Will Robinson was right.’’
  • “Doro here is the Nationals game schedule. I SWEAR to everything you text me again during the game I will not talk to for 3 whole minutes!!” ”I’m sorry for making them lose…again…for like the 5th time.”
  • Its not a minivan. Its a grocery assault vehicle
  • “Kara do you think you can hold onto my trapper keeper of coupons while I shop?” “Yes ma’am! I can ::you hand over the trapper keeper to me who promptly drops the trapper keeper and coupons go flying EVERYWHERE:: not hole the trapper keeper while you shop” ::sits on floor for the next hour putting the coupons back in their spots.::
  • Doro and I are more than friends. we’re like a really small gang.
  • Two words Johnny Depp
  • I love how much it means to the both of us that whenever one of us need to go out, get trashed and talk shit about people, we are always there for one another.
  • Beer pong game in my back yard that got a little too violent.
  • BINGO
  • Fu china means little toe
  •  “Kara do not lick chocolate off of your boob in public!!” “Doro we are at Fridays I don’t think they care what I do anymore!!!”
  • “this is my grill and there is nothing you can do about it!!” ::he harasses me about my grilling skills for an hour:: ::stares at you threw the window:: ::sends kiddos out to save him::

 

Next up to the plate is Stalin.  We met through Doro. The three of us together cause great and mass confusion for everyone around us. Stalin came into my life when I didn’t know I needed her! She can take any sad day and make it into one of the best days ever! I love that we can just look at one another and just know what the other one is saying. She has helped me through a lot of bad times. She has also just come over to my house when i’m in my deep hole and “kidnapped” me just to get me out of the house. Here are some of our fun quotes!

• BSB is NOT better I repeat NOT BETTER than N’SYNC
• “at least my kidnapper feeds me.”
• “only sisters can lick icing off of their own sister’s face”
• “hey I don’t want to go home yet.” “Okay what do you wanna do??” “well there are some sprinklers over there….” ::parks car and we jump out to play in the sprinklers::
• “Uhmm Stalin it is the first the of the month and I have YET to receive a monthly calendar picture of a raccoon!!”
• “Kara you need to be quite or else we are going to kicked out of here!!” “NO I cannot be quite when Clay Matthews is SINGING MMMBOP!!!”
• “Kara you have a wired obsession with pumpkin spice and fall” “Shut it Stalin”
• Thank you for always hating my exs
• jamming out to NKOTB
• hanging out with me in public even if i’m not in my “good leggings”
• ::in line at the port o potties:: “Hey! Stalin that guy REALLY looks like Sam Hunt.” “You’re right he kinda does.” ::”Sam Hunt” turns around and says hi:: ::gives evil look back and rolls eyes:: when Sam Hunt comes on stage we look at one another and feel so damn dumb because it really was Sam Hunt.
• Performing delicate surgery on my bra (to remove the underwire) with sharp knife in the back seat of your car while the BF is driving us to IHOP
• Always ordering food for me. EVEN at Fridays!!

Without each and everyone of them has helped turned me into the woman I am today!

XOXO

Zar’s Birthday

Hey y ‘all! I hope y’all are enjoying the last of summer. This post is going to be is going to be different than ones before. It’s going to be about one of my best friends (well I guess she is more of another baby sister rather than a best friends) Zar!!

Its Zar’s birthday!! I could’ve done the normal facebook post or fill her Facebook with birthday memes but I decided to be a little different this year and write a blog post about her. So here is to Zar!

How we met

Zar and I met while wrangling bras at the bra store. When we wrangling bras on the same shift NOTHING  would ever get done. It got to a point where we told we would no longer be allowed to wrangle bras at the  same time. I realized quickly that we would be friends for a long time.

Zar and I can do some crazy things when we are together. There are WAY to many stories to tell. Most of our adventures fall under “what happens in fight club stays in fight club.” Here are some of my favorite adventures (and ones that I am allowed to tell)  we’ve had over the years.

Submitt for the approval of the midnight society The Adventures of Zar and I

The shoes that caught fire

One New Years Eve the Shady Ladies had a bon fire to ring in the new year. Zar came late because she had to work a double that day.  Needless to say she was super tried and most of us at the bon fire us were intoxicated by the time she got there. Zar sat next to me at the fire. About 20 minutes later I started to smell burning {other than the fire}. I looked down only see to that Zar has her feet right on top of the outside of the firepit. Her shoes have caught FIRE!! I told her that her shoes were on fire but she just thought I was messing with her. I this point the fire has gotten bigger. I tell Zar one more time that her shoes are on fire.  She still thinks I joking. I then reach down, pull her shoes off,  and. I threw them as far as I could.  After i did that she looked at me and said ‘oh I guess they were on fire’ as I go to put out her shoes. After looking the shoes over they weren’t burnt too bad. Zar was able to wear them home and the year was off with a bang! 

Chinese fire dirll

Doro, Zar, and I were on our way to a wedding we were bridesmaids in. I can barely put a hairbush through my own hair so I asked one of them to do my hair while we were on they way there (the wedding was like 3 hours always). We had a plan where we would pull off the highway and do a Chinese Fire drill to change spots in the van and get back on the highway.  We do the drill and Zar was driving. Doro and I are getting settled in the backseat so she can do my hair. Zar finds an opening in traffic and when she does this she floors the van out on the highway causing Doro and I to go flying all over the backseats.  Doro then yells ‘ZAR!! We are NEVER going to get there if with all die in this van!’ Zar just laughs and I am trying to make sure everything is still intact. We made it to the wedding without anything  else happening. 

I have many more stories but these are the few that I can share. Even though Zar loves Jason Statham over the Rock I know I can always count on her for anything, even if that means running across the street  with me to play “BINGO” on NYE. I can’t wait to make more memories and fight club stories with you! Happy Birthday ZAR!!

Livin’ the Auntie life

Hey y’all! I’m so excited we FINALLY got out of winter (if you are wondering, yes, there were a handful of baseball games that were ‘snowed out’ and that did not make for a happy me). Now that we are out of winter the spring showers seeem to be making up for lost time. The rain always makes puts me in a weird and bad mood. I tried a lot of things this past week to keep my spirits up but nothing seems to be keeping for long. So, I thought I would tell y’all about the three things in my life that ALWAYS make me smile no matter what. Those three things are my nephews!

The three little monsters at Christmas 

The oldest of the three is Boogie, 10, then its Bowen, 2, last but not least is Baydann, 2. They each have a special place in my heart. They each teach me something different every time I see them. They keep me wanting to get better so I can do things with them as they grow up. 

The Boogie and Me 

My Boogie (Boog, little man, and just so many many more nicknames) has been in my life since he was one (but if you ask him I have always been his Aunt Kara). I remember the first time I got to hang with Boog. We watched the movie Up and some Little Enitestines while cuddling on the couch. I knew after that night he and I had some sorta of special connection that I couldn’t quite figure out. We loved being around one another and we both got sad when we had to leave one another.  As time went by the connection just got stronger and stronger and it was the best feeling in the world. When I went to nursing school I wasn’t for sure if my connection with him would stay the same. He was now three hours away from me and I had my nose in a book all the time. I didn’t get to talk to him as much as I wanted to during those 18mths. Every time I came home for a visit or he would come down to the beach to see me I would worry that our connection wouldn’t be as strong anymore.  I was completely wrong. Our connection just kept growing stronger.

Boogie always knows how to make me smile. I love spending time with him. Our adventures together are always top knocht! He has me wrapped around his little finger. He knows my love for Target mixed with his cute little face is my Achilles heel. I will ask him if he wants to come to Target with me and before the ‘with me’ part of the question comes out of my mouth he has socks and shoes on and has my keys in his hands as he is running out to the car. I always tell him he is allowed X amount of dollars to spend and he needs to use it wisely. Well Boogie somehow does this thing where there’s a little smile and a million and three reasons of why he should get the items (he has a reason for each item no matter what it is). Of course I give in and he gets everything that he wanted even though it is over his dollar amount. Now I just hope he doesn’t share his secret of getting the extra items to his brother and cousin because I’d be broke. 

Boogie as Gaston

Boogie is so smart. He is an advanced classes and gets all A’s. He loves to sing and make jokes. Boogie was in his very first play this past month.  He played Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. He was so good. Boogie owned that stage and made everyone fall in love with him! I can’t wait to see where the world takes him as he grows up.

 

 Bowen

Oh my Bowen. When I found out that I was going to be an Auntie again I was scared to death. I was so worried that I wouldn’t have enough room in my heart to love him as much as an good Auntie of two nephews should. My heart was so full of love for Boogie that I just couldn’t see me having anymore room in my heart to love Bowen. When he was placed in my arms for the first time all of my worries were taken away in that very moment.  Bowen has taught me that my heart can handle being an Auntie of two without any iusses.

You know you are in a room with Bowen! He demands and loves attention. Bowen loves to sing and dance just like his big brother Boogie. His favorite thing to do is ask Alexa to play him a song. Bowen is addicted to canned whipped cream. I will hide it in the fridge before he gets to our house but within ten minutes he has the whole can out and asking for some. Bowen loves to read and draw. I know Bowen will grow up to be just as smart and funny as his brother.

 

Baydann

Baydann or nephew (I don’t know why I call him nephew I just do) came into my life when all of my medical issues where becoming more unanswered questions than actual answers. He brought a peace to my already  chaotic  World. Baydann loves to be outside! No. Matter. What. There could be a  tsunami mix with a volcano irruption and a dust storm going on and he wants to be out there in the mix! He loves to be apart of everything that you’re doing and wants to help. He will be one active little one growing up!

I can’t wait to see what’s next for these three! They know whatever it is Auntie Kara will be right next to them helping them out whenever they need me.

XOXO

Thanks Nursing School!

Hey Y’all! I know its been awhile since my last blog. I just didn’t really have much to say the last few months. There were some situations that did come up but I just didn’t know how to put them into words or even if I wanted to share the situations to the out into world. I know I promised I’d share my stories of anxiety, depression, and panic with y’all but some stories are just best left unrepeated.

Yeah SPRING is here!! We made it though a long cold winter!! What in the world?!?? Is…is that snow that is falling onto the ground right now?!?!? It is SPRING Mother Nature WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING!! There are only 8 DAYS left until opening day 2018 of baseball season. I refused to hear anything about a game being “snowed out” instead of “rained out.”

Photo Credit Washington Nationals Instagram  

 I digress. Spring time is for cleaning. I strongly dislike cleaning. I would never make it as a maid at all. I have been trying to work on that. This spring I have decided to take on the HUGE task of spring cleaning my house by myself (well secretly I am hoping I can get some fairytale woodland creatures are going to come and help me clean like in the movies) I want to this for a few reasons 1.) to prove to myself that I can actually do it 2.) to build up strength to get back to work and 3.) to work on my time management skills. I started to make a mental list of how I was going to clean the house. The first room to be tackled would be my room.

This is an older picture of my room. My room was slightly cleaner than this only because one of the nephews came over and they love to sleep in Auntie’s room.

Clearly it is a Herculean task to clean my room. I am the messes person that has ever walked this earth (ps both of the babies are in this picture). I figured it would take me about 2 days to get it done and move on to another room. As I started cleaning my room I made a mental list of what needed to be done, what order, and how long it was going to take to complete each thing. I started my bedroom cleaning list. I was about 45 minutes into when I realized I was already behind my mental schedule and started to have an anxiety attack. I tried my best to get back on my mental schedule but the faster I went the further behind I got and the higher my anxiety got. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety I could barely sleep that night. I may have gotten 4 and half hours of sleep. I kept going over and over in my head what I had to do to get back on my mental spring cleaning schedule. Then it hit me. This anxiety attack over cleaning my room and not being able to sleep due to over thinking was just nursing school all over again. Here is why I felt like I was back in nursing school all over again…..

I mentioned just a little about my nursing school in my very first post but I think I need to go into WAY more detail to make you understand why I felt like I was back in nursing school. FYI I loved nursing school and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!!!

The nursing school I went to was not your run of the mill 4 year school BY ANY MEANS. Most universities have 16 week classes. My school, on the other hand, had mods that were 5 WEEKS long. 5 weeks people start to finish. I was in a classroom about 8 hours three days a week and the other two days were 10 hour clinical days. In a normal class we could cover a little as 5 chapters or as many as 15 chapters. There were on average 5 exams, 6 quizzes, a project (usually a paper that was had to be right around 6 pages long), homework, care plans, and this horrible awful computerized flopping second final of the class that counts for 20% of your grade called the Kaplan!! I could not STAND them. I STRONGLY disliked them. I had so many classmates and teachers go over how to take the Kaplan but it just didn’t stick (thanks for all the help if y’all are reading this!!!) I ended up failing all but 2 of them. Knowing that I was consistently failing them I would have to work super hard to get my grade up as high as I could before having it fall into a pit of misery. Looks and sounds easy peasy lemon squeezy right?? You’re probably thinking all you have to get to pass is a 60%, so what’s the big fuss? The big fuss is in nursing school anything below a 80% is FAILING!!

This is just one of my classes due dates, exam dates, and clinical days.

A new mod starts off by picking up my books for the class and checking my class email to see what I need to read, print off the slides for the chapters for the week, and. study for the first day of class. Class starts at 0800 and usually starts off with a quiz on the material that was in the email without being taught it. Once the quiz was over then we would go into the X amount of chapters that needed to be taught that day. The next couple of days are early wake up calls to be at the hospital by 0630. For clinicals there would be some days that we had to do a care plan on the patient we were assigned that day. The care plan template was 12 pages long. I would have to obtain just about everything you can think of about person. If it was your care plan day you would have 48 hours to finish it on top of studying, homework, and projects. The first week I always feel like I have everything under control.

I’ll call this re-enacted photo “second through fifth week of Med Surg Nusring Student Zombie”

Then the second week hits me like a brick wall. The quizzes get harder and more frequent. I never feel like I am fully prepared for my exams even though I have been running off of nothing but caffeine and no sleep just to study.

Misty girl by my side as I try and figure out how the heart works

Then there’s clinical days. In order to be allowed into clinicals you had to have your white scrubs (to whomever though all white scrubs were a good idea it was not), stethoscope, name tag, hair up, care plan (if it was your day to do one), black pen, your list of concepts that you needed to be signed off on (like starting an IV and random nursing things like that), there is probably more things that needed for clinicals but I have forgotten. Every once in awhile I would be driving to clinicals and realize that I had forgotten something that I needed to be allowed into clinicals. I’d start texting everyone in my clinical group in a panic praying someone has an extra of what I needed that day.

Clinical gear 

Class then just turns into a huge amount a stress and anxiety. With all of the projects and everything that needed to be done in just five weeks time management was the key to get though. I would try my best to stick to some kinda of routine. If I had something come up and threw a wrench in my routine I would have a panic attack. I would try to get back to my routine as fast as I could but it would just cause so much anxiety for me if I was even behind for 5 minutes. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I would be stressing out over the fact that I didn’t study that five minutes and now I am going to fail the quiz and then the class. So I just wouldn’t sleep one bit. I would just study the night away.

One of the days/nights that there was a wrench in my routine.

That was my life for 18 months straight. There was no sleep, stress, anxiety, panic, depression when I would fail that dumb Kaplan. Even though nursing school has been over since 2013 I just can’t turn what was engraved into me during those 18 months. When I got behind on my mental cleaning list my nursing school self came crashing through all of my thoughts (kinda like the kool aid man through a wall) and took over. At this point in my life if I stress myself out too bad or give myself too much anxiety and not sleep enough I can though myself into a seizure. I tried to tell myself it is fine there is no deadline its just cleaning your room and then eventually the house. Spring is a long season. I have the season to finish to clean. That made me feel a little better. My room is clean but not spring cleaned just yet. It will be soon or later this spring. I don’t have to clean it all in two days. The mess will still be there a week from now.

I am slowly learning how to turn off my nursing school routine. I never knew how hard it would be. I am trying to relearn how to use new time management skills or how to deal when my routine gets out of wack. I know it will be a long road but I know I can do it. So once again thanks nursing school for making, not only my dreams of becoming a nurse but new ways of learning how to deal with my time management skills.

XOXO

Many faces of depression

First HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope y’all are still sticking with your New Years resultions.

My depression is something that is hard for to talk about. I want to bring attention to all of my mental issues to make others feel like they are not alone and there is someone who is going through the same thing they are going through.

So here I go!!I have been dealing with depression most of my life. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle on my own for the most part.

I wasn’t very good at school. I would have to study hard just to get a D in a class. It became worse when I was in high school. I just couldn’t grasp anything at all (like I almost didn’t pass high school bad…but I did pass but not without convincing some teacher to give me a D just so I wouldn’t fail). I felt like a loser and just didn’t want to be there at all. I felt like everyone was judging on how bad my grades were. I was depressed over the thought that my classmates were judging me. The other reason why school just made me so depressed was that I was bullied every single day. It was extremely bad (I am not going to do into details with the bullying because it still really really bothers me to this day). At the time the only two things that made me happy was cheering and playing softball. In order to play/cheer for the game that day you have to have a certain GPA (I have no idea what it was) and be at school for a certain amount of time. I live literally right behind my high school so skipping school was so easy for me (Sorry Momma and Poppa T) so I would very my times of skipping school so that the teachers or my parents would catch on to what I was doing. I would skip just to get away from the bullying and all of the judgement for how bad I was at school. I always made sure I was there for the exact amount of time before I skipped and then I would go back to school for practice or for the games. Once I was out of high school I thought things would just be so much easier but I was so very very very wrong.

My depression got worse when I found out about my brain cyst. I spent a lot of time home alone. That year I went through so many brain surgeries to figure out what to do with the cyst. I felt like we would never find away to fix it. The last surgery I had was on Thanksgiving day. That surgery just broke me. I was just over everything and everyone.  I didn’t want anything to do with Christmas at all (I love Christmas and for me not to want anything to with it was a huge red flag for my parents). That was the Christmas I got my Misty Girl. She got me through that tough time. I always say she is the best Christmas present I ever got. I really don’t know what I would without her in my life. With Misty by my side my depression slowly got better.

I don’t really like talking about my first ex (the boyfriend I had when I was 19 and before the crazy ex. I guess I will call him the firefighter) that much just because he just tore my heart apart.  The firefighter and I were together for about a year. I thought we would get married and have kids the whole nine yards. I was wrong. One day out of the blue he told me he met someone new and wanted to be with her. I didn’t take our break up well at all.  I was so depressed I thought my life was over. I never had my heart broken like that before. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and there was no way of getting out of that deep dark hole. While In that deep hole I kept going over in my head trying to figure out I did wrong for him to find someone new. I thought everything was going great. I thought wedding bells were in our plans. To this day I still don’t know what I did wrong. Ride and/or die helped me get out of the hole. She threw down a rope and helped me climb out. Later on I found out that he married to her. By that time I just started dating my crazy ex and I was head over heals for Him. So finding out he got marrierd Didnt phase me. I am not for sure how he found out about how my realtionship was going with the crazy ex but the firefighter called me up out of the blue (at this point we had been broken up for a few years and I hadn’t heard from him that whole time). The firefighter said he was super worried about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. I down played how bad things were just to make him feel better. A few months went by without a word from him. Around that time I was building up the strength to breakup with my crazy ex. What I didn’t know is that he was in the middle of divorcing his wife at the same time. So naturally after everything was said and done with our ex’s we ended up back together. But that was short lived because he, again, found someone new. This time just stopped answering my calls or texts altogether. I fell right back down the deep dark hole again. Having the firefighter breaking up with me for yet another person was the cheery on top of me needing to find away to get out of town for a long while. That was the push I needed to chase my dream of becoming a nurse. While in nursing school I found out he had married her. I was just so confused on why I wasn’t good enough for him (I am still confused about why I wasn’t good enough for him to this very day). I had to push all of those thoughts aside and focus on school. Towards the end of nursing school he called me up yet again out of the blue. The firefighter just wanted to see how my life was going and if I was happy. I wasn’t for sure why he did but I was kinda happy that he did. Again he would randomly stop talking to me out of the blue. This would keep going on for years. Every time the firefighter would do this I would just become more and more confused and depressed over it. The last time he stop talking to me I had to let go of thought that we would ever get back together. As far as I know the firefighter is still married to the second girl he left me for. He has left such a huge hole in my heart and in confusion of why I was never good enough for him still haunts me to this very day.

I would write another paragraph on my crazy ex and how depressed he made me but I think I have exguthted the whole topic. So i am going to spare y’all the redundancy of the that topic.

Fast forward to present day. My depression is at an all time low (lower than when I was with my crazy ex).  I don’t like going out to just get fresh air. I would rather stay inside and advoid people. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed because I can feel every single muscle fiber screaming in pain. There are other days where I love life and want to do everything and anything. There really isn’t an inbetween. Talking to someone and taking medications helps with fighting off my depression but I know I have a very long road ahead of me battling off  depression.

The thing that bothers me the most is when I tell people that I have severe depression and they just laugh in my face. They say you have a smile on your face, you’re out and about with friends and you’re not acting like someone who has depression. I try to explain to those people that there are good days and bad days that come along with depression. People would ask why I don’t just take medication for it. I tell them that I am on medication and that I’m seeing someone to help me fight off depression. The next thing out of their mouth is ususally something  along the lines of  you’re on medication so you have no reason to be depressed thats what the medication is for. That’s usually when I change to subject.

In every single one of pictures in this post I am depressed. These are just my good days. Depression comes with many faces and many emotions. Just because someone says they are depressed when they have a smile on their face and seem happy doesn’t mean they aren’t  as depressed they say they are. They are probably just having a great day. Sometimes all they need to hear is a simple ‘way to go! You are doing great! Keep going and push through. You got this!’

The age old saying of never judge a book by its cover is extremely true when it comes to depression. I hope this helps in understanding depression and its many different faces.

XOXO

365 days of struggle, blood, sweat, tears, and emotional mess

1 year, 365 days, 8,765.82 hours, 525,949.2 minutes, 31,556,952 seconds. This time can seem so slow or on the other hand it can seem like a blink of an eye. Either way the numbers don’t change on how you feel about time. This past year was a complete and utter struggle for me. Here is why.

This past year tested every single emotion, every bit of strength, and every bit of energy I had. I came out swinging and fighting. As of Christmas I have been one whole year GRAND MAL SEIZURE free!

Cheers to that y’all!

This past year threw so much at me. My stress level was all over the place. Sometimes it was the through the roof sometimes it was at a normal level and sometime it was in between. With every stressful event this past year through at me I was right there ready to stand up and fight it with everything I possible had.

January 2017

This year started off with a bang!! Misty girl had to have a mass removed <thankfully it was a bengin>. During her per-op blood work they found some anomalies. Prior to that blood work she has been drinking water excessively for months. They did more blood work and still couldn’t find out what was going on with her. The veterinarian I take the babies too sent Moon pies blood work to an elite veterinarian hospital to see if they could find anything with her blood work. They were at a complete and utter loss of what was wrong with her. I felt hopeless that we would ever find out what was wrong with my baby. With all the blood work,  awesome team work between my vet and the elite veterinarian hospital and their awesome veterinarian knowledge they gave her a diagnose of Coushing disease {Cushing’s disease usually strikes older dogs with a bucket-full of symptoms that can mimic other diseases. Increased appetite, increased drinking and urination, panting, high blood pressure, bulging abdomen, skin lumps and discoloring, hair loss, muscle weakness, and nervous system disorders can occur with the disease (I am not for sure how to cite the definition but I just googled Coushing Disease in dogs)}. They placed her on some medication (she will be on the rest of her life) to help with water intake.  Thankfully the medication seems to be working for her. Two small stressful  situations were handled without any issues. 

February 2017

A few WEEKS after the Misty Girl’s ordeal I found out that the Sadie Bug had to have knee surgery. I have been through this type of surgery with the Misty Girl twice before. Knowing that the Bug had to have this surgery scared the crap out of me. Let me tell you why I was stressed out about it: 

Misty Girl’s first knee surgery went wonderfully! She was only on pain medications for a few days, eating and drinking well, and just like herself but with just some pain. After she was off the pain medication Misty Girl was running amuck [AMUCK! AMUCK! AMUCK!] around the apartment. I psychically had to restrain her so that her knee could heal right. 

Misty Girl’s second knee surgery (which was a few years later) was a surgery from HELL!! This surgery just about killed me! She made it though the surgery fine. I was fully prepared for her to have the same reaction as she did with her first knee surgery. I was so very very wrong. She was in so much pain she would not move, eat, drink, or even bark. We took her to the vet 3 or 4 times a week trying to figure out how to manage her pain. There were a few times during her recovery process that I thought she had passed away due to not wanting to eat or drink. It was the worst feeling in the world thinking she had passed away while i was right there next to her and well just in general. Thankfully she did pull through but it took a lot longer than we all wanted it too. 

This picture was taken four days after Misty Girl’s second surgery. This is the furthest  away she would let me go from her!

Knowing that Misty Girl is the Alpha and the stronger one of the two babies you can see why my stress level was crazy high about the Bug having this surgery. Well my little Bug showed me that she was a lot stronger than I thought she was. Bug also proved that I shouldn’t worry and stress out over every little situation. She healed within a few weeks without any completions.

My Bug the night of her surgery 

Late Spring/Early Summer 2017

I was feeling better about life, the way I viewed myself, and just feeling happy in general (something I haven’t felt in a long time). My team of doctors (neurologist, psychologist, and psychiatrist) and I felt like I was in a much better place than I have ever been. We all agreed that I was able to go back to work. I got all of my doctors to write letters to my old job stating I was able to come back to work. I was so excited that I was hired back! I felt great during the first week and a half. I loved working as a nurse again. As the honeymoon phase began to fade I quickly realized that I wasn’t catching on to the new position I was in. My trainers/co-workers realized the same thing. They all tried to help me catch on. They kept going over everything with as many times as we all were willing to do (if y’all are reading this I love you y’all so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything y’all did to help me out!).  I would come home and have my rents go over everything that I written down. We would have “practice patients” and I would go thorough the motions on how to room a patients, give reports, give injections, taking vitals, the whole 9 yards. As the weeks went by I still wasn’t catching on. Now my supervisors were onto the fact that I wasn’t grasping my new position. After a month the decision was made that I was no longer going to be working there. I was devastated. I felt like such a failure. My whole world just seemed to implode right before my eyes. I was so depressed that I stopped eating, I would not come out of my room {well more like I would not come out from underneath my blankets}. While under my blankets I questioned if I was even cut out to be a nurse in the first place. During this point in time the rents kept a 24hours watch on me. They knew how hard I took being fired. They would try their best not to leave me alone at the house. If they were unable to I would have to go upstairs and sit in a chair and not move, have my cell phone on at all times (and answer it no matter what). They were trying to make sure I was going to be okay. Having them getting me out of my room was probably the best thing for me. Some how some way I got the will to get out of bed and started to fight off the depression. I was determined not to let this stress to get to me. I was not going to ruin all of my hard work to this point and threw myself into a grand mal seizure. I fought back against the depression and won. Realizing that I COULD fight back and win was a HUGE for me.

Midsummer 2017

After realizing the huge win I had against my depression. I felt like I could take on my anxiety, panic, and stress levels by doing something that I have not done in over a year and a half. I went to the ball park to watch my beloved Washington Nationals take on the Reds. I was terrified that the crowd, noise, and well just being at the ball park would just send me into a grand mal. I did it. I was able to watch what was a nail bitter of a game (thanks cardiac Nats!) I was so happy with myself at this point in time. 

The only picture I took from that baseball game. Yes, my shoes do have the Curly W on them!!

Late Summer into Fall 2017

I was so proud of myself in all of the steps forward that I had taken this past year. I hadn’t felt like this in a long while. After going to a psychologist and psychiatrist for most of last year and most of this year it was time to put into practice what I had learned. I was going to deal with life WITHOUT my depression, anxiety, and panic medications, so I stopped taking them (as a nurse I knew I felt like I could deal with life better BECAUSE  I was on the medication. But I just turned off my nurse side of me and did it anyways). As the weeks wore on I thought I was dealing with life really well without my medications. I felt like I was back in control of my life and my emotions without them. Slowly the Shady Ladies would ask when my last psych appointments were. I would tell them when  they were and it was just kinda left at that. The Shady Ladies would start to ask me more frequently when my next psych appointments were and I would just say ‘oh I just haven’t made them yet. I know I need to back.’ Then Momma T started to ask when my next appointments were. That got my attention a little bit. I just told her the same thing I was telling the Shady Ladies. I brushed everyone asking me when my next appointments were off because I still felt like I was doing wonderfully.

The next thing I knew life hit me off of cloud 9 and back onto earth hard, fast, and quick. I went to the beach with my rents (still off of my depression, anxiety, and panic medication) for a mini vacation. One morning I went down to the beach like I had before but this day would not be like any of the other beach days. I was on the beach, unsupervised, unmedicated, two bottles of wine drunk <yup I drank TWO bottles of wine all by myself both drank before noon even hit>, and Facebook stalking. My choice of prey that day was the ex [all I can say for myself on stalking him of all people is I have no idea. I just did]. After stalking his Facebook I found out he is having a baby with his new girlfriend. I lost my damn MIND over it! I was extremely upset knowing he was having a baby with someone else that wasn’t me. I had no flipping clue why I was upset. I just couldn’t seem to get my mind together <the two bottles of wine didn’t help> and calm myself down. That whole day I was just a HUGE walking hot mess. I kept trying to tell myself the many reasons why I left him in the first place but they were falling on deaf ears. I kept trying to wrangling my emotions in. I could not keep it together. Finally the day had passed or maybe I just passed out early (I am not for sure which one it was) but I was able to turn off my brain and sleep. I woke up the next morning hangover free and with a better outlook on life. I was a 1,002% sure I needed to get back on my medication after that disaster of a day. As soon as the psychiatrist’s office opened up that day I called them to get back on my medications. The appointment wasn’t for a little over a week. Until then I had to keep all of my emotions in check. I knew hiding under my blankets was not a good way to deal with this. I kept facing life head on. I stressed myself out by beating myself up for not staying on my medications. The more I beat myself up the more my stress, anxiety, and depression went up. It took every single bit of energy and strength not to lose my mind again. All of my blood, sweat, and tears were used in the next week to keep myself from having a grand mal seizure. Thankfully I didn’t and I got back on my medication.

Winter 2017

Once I was readjusting to my medications again I told myself that ‘you gave it the best shot you could. Life gave you a reality check and told you that you really do need your medications. It’s not a bad thing that you need them it will just be a fact of your life for a while.’ Looking back on this past year and seeing all of the craziness life threw at me and I was able to pull through seizure free makes me feel like I can do anything. Here’s to the next year, 365 days, 8,765.82 hours, 525,949.2 minutes, 31,556,952 seconds.

XOXO

Holy Stress Overload Batman!

I am going to start this off with saying this two things about this post before I get into it.

I started this blog to bring attention to anxiety, panic, depression, stress, and seizures through my own personal experiences. This post is about my seizure disorder. I don’t like to talk about my seizures to others. So for me to write about it is taking every little ounce of strength I have. Also the situation {it is a situation that happened to me just a few days ago} I will be talking about is going to be hard to read {trust me it was harder to experience first hand}  I will save as many details about the situation as I can. I just wanted to forewarn you before you get too far into reading.

Stress [a stress of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances ::I am not a 100% sure how to site where I got this definition of stress BUT I googled the word and used the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition::] happens to everyone. We all deal with stress in different ways. Some go to the gym, take a hot shower, take a walk, or another million other ways. Me on the hand have an extremely hard time dealing with stress.

Me plus stress equals an even bigger hot mess than I already am. I take a stressful situation and spin it so many different ways.  I began to obsess over it. The situation then becomes ALL I think about. I try to think of a million different ways that I could A.) prevent the situation altogether or B) what I could’ve done different. I drive my self crazy (yes I just can’t sleep ::thanks Britany Spears::) about the situation. When I do this I throw myself into what to Momma T calls “issues” {I’ll tell y’all more about these “issues” later in the post}. These “issues” usually come before me having a grand mal seizure.  Sometimes I remember having my “issues” the next day but most of the time I don’t.

Here is an example of how my stress gets to me.

Here is the story. Again it is a SAD and UPSETTING story but it is the best example I can give y’all. I will save as many details as I can to make it less sad and upsetting to read.

In my neighborhood we have a fox who roams around. I am not for sure where the fox has taken up home just yet. He comes out mostly at night to look for dinner {here is the sad and upsetting part. Again I will save as many details as possible for y’all. Just remember it was MUCH harder to experience in person.}.

The other night the fox was roaming the neighborhood as usual. Well, sadly, the fox ended up outside my bedroom window {this window is right over my bed} and woke me up from a dead sleep. Blog edit as promised. I was so upset. I didn’t know what to do. Go wake up Poppa T to come out with me and help? Go out myself and help? If I go outside what am I  going to do? Am I going to even be a match against the fox? More blog edit as promised. Now the little polar bears are onto what is going on outside the bedroom widow {the polar bears sleep in my bed with me}. They are not happy at all. They are wanting me to take them outside and help. That was NOT going to happen at all. I promise this is the last edit to this story. I take a few deep breaths and go to open the blind to the window but I just cannot work up the nerve to open the blind. The polar bears are still going crazy! They are just making me more and more upset about what is playing outside the window. The only thing I can think of doing at this point was to settle down the little polar bears and say a prayer. After I said a prayer I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I turned on the TV and hoped it would relax me enough to fall back to sleep. You guessed it! It didn’t and I was up watching TV for the rest of the night.

The next day I was a total mess. I was so upset and stressed out over what happened during the night. The worse part was having to take the polar bears outside that morning. Another blog edit. After I got back in with the polar bears I wasn’t going back outside for the rest of the day. Shortly after that Poppa T got up and I told him what happened that night. That is when my “issues” {here is where I explain what they are}. As I was telling him what happened I just kept working myself up. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I could’ve done. The obsession over started. I kept trying to tell myself to calm down but that just made things worse. Poppa T and I went out to run errands. The night just kept replaying over and over and over in my head. While we were out my whole body began to become heavy and weak (usually “issues” number one). I didn’t say anything because I still thought I could calm myself down. As the day wore on and the night still on repeat in my head. My hands start to shake (“issue” number two) at this point I know I need to say something to Poppa T. He tries to calm me down the best he can. The night is still on repeat in my head. At this point my whole body is shaking (just more of “issue” number two). Poppa T is well aware of what is going on at this point. He decided to cut the running of the errands short and go home. The night just keeps playing over and over. I tell myself there was nothing you could do Kara. Well, the thought was said out loud. Poppa T tells me “you just have to think of something else, Kara. There really was nothing you could’ve done”. I tried to think of something else. ANYTHING ELSE! I tried to think about how the Nationals are going to do next season or what I should get Sisa for Christmas. It worked for about five minutes and then the movie of what happened last night starts over in my head. I began to talk fast {if you’ve watched Gilmore Girls I talk just as fast or even fast than that} and lose my train of thought (“issue” number  three). I was talking to Poppa T about the Christmas movie we were about to watch. I started to explain the movie but it wasn’t making any sense. I kept forgetting my next thoughts {forgetting my next thoughts makes more frustrated which then makes my stress level go up}. I just can’t calm down. At this point all of my “issues” are just becoming worse. I start stressing even more because I am very close to what I call the point of no return. The movie of last night replays in my head again. I need to calm down. I don’t want to end up having a grand mal seizure. The night plays again in my head. The polar bears seem to know I need to calm down. They seem to know I am close to having a seizure. The polar bears came and laid on top of me. They somehow just knew they were just what I needed in that moment. They both laid on my chest for awhile and I could feel my stress melting away. The three of us just laid there for hours as I felt the stress and the events of last night slowly stopped playing over in my head.

This was HUGE for me. This was one of the first times that I was able to see where I was while my “issues” were playing out. I was able to realize that I was almost to the point of no return and bring myself back. Most time I would need medication (Atvain) to help slow my thoughts down to bring my back from the break of having a grand mal. When I take Atvain I would have someone take my cellphone, iPad, and well just about anything that would be stimulating while the Atvain takes effect. I would also need a babysitter for the next few hours or so to make sure I’m getting better. Not only was I over the moon for calming myself down without the use of medication my parents were just as happy.

I am not saying that I will never need to take Atvain to help stop the progression of my issues into a grand mal again. I just know that I can work through my issues and calm myself down. Hopefully with this win I can push the point of no return further back. Knowing that I can work through my issues without the need medication is HUGE win. I’m so proud of myself for being able to get to this point with preventing my grand Mal. If I can do something as hard as this y’all can do whatever y’all think is impossible.

XOXO

 

The start of the Holiday season

Holidays can be the best of time or the worst of times. The holidays for me are always the best of time out the year!.  Holidays seem to come around sooner and sooner every year. When the kids go back to school in the fall the first thoughts of the holidays come to mind. Then you tell your ‘self that they are months away dont worry about them now’ and you go back to trying to get your kiddos out the door and on time for school. The next thing you know it is Halloween and panic sets in the holiday are coming. You’re siting going thorough the candy that your little ones brought (you know just to make sure they aren’t “poisons”or anything) home and thinking to your self ‘I thought I had more time before the holidays came’.

This past Thanksgiving was not like any of of the other Thanksgiving I’ve had before. I had to handle cooking of Thanksgiving dinner alone for the first time ever. My siblings couldn’t make for thanksgiving this year (my older brother {Alphamega} had to stay in Nebraska to teach and work on his PhD [im not for sure what he  actually writing it on. Im such a bad Sisa sorry Alphamega]. My little brother (Bri Bri) and his family (Boogie and Bowen) went to see Devine’s family. My sister (Sisa) and her baby (Baydann) stayed home to have thanksgiving my BIL (Roofer) family’s. So that just left my Mom (Moma T) and Dad (Poppa T) for Thanksgiving dinner. Every year Devine, Sisa, and I always name the turkey before we put the turkey in oven (the only names I can remember for past names have been Oscar and Tom). Even though they were not here in person to help name the turkey we still named it together though text messages (the first one was taken last year and the second one was taken this year). We desided on the name of Fred.

Although it was fun, but it was depressing for me. I tried to cover up how upset I while by just staying staying in the kitchen. I missed having Sisa and Devine around to cook with. There was no singing or dacing while I was making dinner alone. When the 3 of us cook Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner its almost like a dance. We each have our own side dishes to make. We know in what order to make our side dishes so we stay out of each other’s way.

While I was making dinner I kept thinking ‘this is going to turn out so bad. I can’t do this alone. I NEED DEVINE AND SISA.’ I began to have an anxiety attack. I knew no matter how hard I tried dinner wold just be alwful. I finally just sat down took a minute for myself and collected my thoughts. I calmed my self done by thinking Devine and  Sisa were in the some boat as me. They didn’t the other 2 to help them to make their  dinner as well. Just thinking that made me feel better. I fished I dinner just in time to watch “America’s Team” (the Cowboys) to play. Momma T and Poppa T loved the dinner.

While watching the game I thought to myself that I did something way out of my of my box. I realized that some times you just have to push through the anxiety and reach your goal no matter what. In doing so I felt so much stronger and that if something else comes up like this I know i can push through and do it!

Happy late Thanksgiving

XOXO

 

All about my crazy life

Hey y’all my name is Kara. I am 31, I am the 2nd out of 4 siblings 2 of which are married, I have 1 SIL and 1 BIL, I am Auntie of 3 nephews (Boogie, Bowen, and Baydann), I am nurse (I’m not a doctor nor do I write a blog as a doctor so if there is anything I say that sound like something you or someone else you love has please contact your own doctor), and I live in what I call the biggest smallest town ever (you’re probably wondering what the hell does that even mean? Well I am a third generation towne. My grandmother spent most of her life here, my dad was born and raised here, and you guessed I was born and raised here as well. There is a running joke that it isn’t 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon its 6 degrees of Kara’s family.). I am a HUGE baseball (Nationals baby) and football (Hail to the Redskins) fan (I am the kind of girl that can watch 9 innings of baseball and 4 quarters of football and be able to talk about the games with you later). I have some of the best friends a girl can ask for! I have two friends (Doro and Stalin) that together we call ourselves The Shady Ladies. We have been friends long enough that we count on one another for our own memories. I have a life long friend since high school (Ride and/or die: yeah I know it is a super weird nickname but let me tell it fits more than you can ever imagine) we have been through so much together from not making the cheer squad to learning how to drive to break ups to engaments and wedding to having babies to deaths. Ride and/or die have shared a lot of found memories over the years and I don”t know where I’d be without her. I have a friend who I love so dearly (Zar) she is just coming into her own. Zar and I have done some pretty crazy things in our friendship most of which are just going to be summed up as we have done some pretty crazy things together. I have two wonderful dogs. I have Misty Elizabeth (Misty girl, Moomes, Moon pies, the brave little toaster are just a name a few of her nicknames and yes i am that crazy dog person that gives their dogs middle names) and Sadie Marie (Sadie bug, Bug, Lady Bug, Bug-a-boo) but together I call them the babies, puppies, the girls, or my little polar bears.
I think you kinda get the picture of me at this point. The main reason why I wanted to start this blog is to bring attention to anxiety, panic, depression, stress, and everything that goes along with them.  I suffer from all of them. I guess I’ll start from the beginning on how I became a big ball of emotional mess.

I just turned 19 and running around like I knew everything and no one could tell me otherwise. I just got a new boyfriend and was loving life. Well loving life as much as I could through having HUGE migraines mostly every day of the week. Later on that year I was diagnose with a benign (non cancerous!!) brain cyst (it is in the middle of my brain where the spinal fluid drains from the brain down through the spine) I went through so many surgeries to try and figure out how to fix it. We found out the best way to deal with the cyst was leave it in place and watch it. The doctors and I agreed on placing a shunt that helps drains the fluid off of my brain and into my abdomen. After that I became a little more anxious after that. I thought every little pain could be something other more than just a pain.

A few years went by and my anxiety seemed to be doing slightly better. I had a different boyfriend who I was head over heals in love with. I was living life through rose colored glasses during that whole relationship. As the relationship grew over the years it turned from fairly tales to nightmares. My anxiety, panic, and depression began to spiral out of control. He was not only overly protective he was also controlling. It came to a point where I was only allowed to talk to him. He made it so that I could only stay in my bedroom unless I was going to school or to work (he would randomly show up to my school or work just to make sure I was there and I wasn’t out doing something else). I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends or hell even my own family. Depression set in due to not being able to see or talk to anyone but him. I went from a 135 lbs when I first met him by the end of our relationship I was 317 lbs (YES that is right I gained 200 lbs while dating him. The first picture was taken before I started dating him and the second one was taken after I dated him). After I ended the relationship my anxiety and panic was out of control.  I didn’t want to leave my house because I didn’t want someone I knew  to see how heavy I was. I would have panic attacks when I had to leave the house.

before I dated him

after I dated him

After I broke up with him (yes I got the courage to break up with him) the New Year was only a few days away. I had a choice of staying in my dead end job and live in the same room that I grew up in OR I could go and chase my dreams of becoming a RN. On January 1st I began looking for a nursing school that wasn’t near my hometown (new town new me). After a few months of looking I found the school. In March I went to look at the school and the area. By May I was signed up for school and had moved. Moving was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The best thing I could do for myself at the time was  just to picked up everything I owned and move. I didn’t say a goodbye to anyone but some friends and family (to this day I regret not saying goodbye to some people but on the other hand it was for the best at that point and time). By August I was in nursing school living out my dream of becoming a nurse (he always told me I would never make it through nursing school because I was not smart enough).

I knew nursing school was going to be hard but I had no idea how hard it would actually be. The nursing school that I went to wasn’t your normal run of the mill nursing school. I completed 4 years worth of school and clinicals in 18 months. That is right 18 months . I each of my classes where 5 weeks long (they were called mods). My weeks would be 3 days of classes that were 8 hours long.  In one class we would go over as little as 5 chapters or much as 15 chapters in one class. We would have at least 2 quizzes and sometimes an exam each class (PS any grade below an 80% was failing). The other two days were filled with 10 hour clinicals. During clinicals we had to complete a HUGE check list of important nursing skills that we learned and practiced in class on real patients (this is my hands down favorite picture of me during nursing school. Thanks to my awesome nursing friends who loved to take pictures of me while I was practicing on how to do a skill. When I would confused I would get super red. They loved taking pictures of me while I was red just to make fun of me about being red. It was all and good fun)

During those 18 months sleep was reward. Sleep was not a good 8 hours of sleep it was more like  naps (3 – 5 hours at max). I would only get to take my reward nap if I had fished all of my homework (that meant all of my reading for the next day was done, was completely prepared for the quiz, test , and the all important possible pop quiz or test, and most of project done). I think you can see how stressful is nursing school.

After nursing school it became apparent that my body just couldn’t handle all of the emotions that were following through my blood. My body fought by giving me a grand mal seizure. After that my life changed and flipped upside down. The doctors tried to figure where, why, and how seizures came from. I went under so many test to try and figure it out. They still could not find a rhyme or reason why I all of sudden had seizures. The only thing they could come up with was  having  too much stress in my life. My anxiety, panic, and depression reached an all time high. When my seizures started I lost so many things everyone just takes for granted. Here is a list of just a few things that I am no longer allowed to. I can’t drive (its going on 3 years now) I have to ask someone to come and pick me to go out anywhere, can’t be alone most of the time unless I promise I will  just sitting in a chair and not do anything crazy like use the oven until someone comes home, every time something falls and I am not in sight of anyone I have to say I am okay so that no one worries that I fell, and my freedom of doing anything I want to by myself. That’s when I decided to get on medication to help with all of my emotions. I know pills are not the answer for everyone but they help me a lot.

The point of my blog is to share my crazy life and how I handle different situations with all of my emotions. I hope y’all like it.

XOXO